All the President's Women

It warms the cockles of my heart to know that in this our great country any boy can grow up to be a president who can not keep your item veto in his pants.

When the news broke that President Bill Clinton was accused of "improper sexual relationship" with a 21-year-old White House intern named Monica Lewinsky, and that he allegedly asked her to lie to cover up the affair, I did not quite know what to think. So, as I usually do in times of trouble, let a little voice in my head to fight.

voting Republican in me a little dance and said, "Yeah, we got it now! Slick Willy is going down! Someone Ronald Reagan on the phone !"

pragmatist in me (on a serious looking one with no friends) said: "Now hold on a minute, you guys. Let's not judge until we have all the facts. Do not forget what we did Michael Jackson and Tonya Harding of the poor"

Aaron Spelling at me, said, "What evil fox the Monica Lewinsky should be: she was probably invented the whole story because the Clinton ugly, as the champion that he had rejected her sleazy attempts at seduction. What a feather in his Gucci cap that would be, seducing the president of the United States, I am surprised that he did not try to sing at his birthday party !"

and a small part of me that is a member in good standing of: "I am Guy and Sue Me Club", he said, "Why, Bill Clinton, you old son of a bitch ..."[ [/ P] ]

What I find surprising about these allegations is to focus not on whether the improper sexual relationship, but on whether Billy Boy told Miss Monica to lie about it if questioned. Tell her to lie under oath could lead to charges of obstruction of justice and perjury, offenses punishable by fines, imprisonment, and forced to exposure of Janet Reno's Panama City vacation videos.

In other words, it is okay to have sex with someone other than your spouse, do not just lie about it if the independent counsel going to stop a six-pack of beer and a briefcase full of subpoenas.

A recent network news poll showed that 58% of the women surveyed believe that, even if the sexual allegations against Clinton are true, it does not affect his ability to run this country. Respondents called Clinton's behavior, "typically male", which means he is a man, that's what they do. I personally am offended by such generalizations because I know the typical male could not get myself embroiled in sex scandal with a 21-year-old woman, if he tried! Uh, so I heard.

Having lost faith in the opinion polls, network news, I contacted my old friend and mentor, Dr. A. Beech Jing, a professor Emiritis in the South Hampton Institute of Technology's Hammond-Eggar Anthropological Department, and asked him to obavljanjemalo their research. (You May remember Dr. Jing as the inventor of the much-maligned, sponge toilet seat in the late seventies.) Always ready to do their part for science and an old drinking buddy, Dr. Jing examined 12 coeds who attend his freshman apolitical ethics class 4 lunchroom ladies found a truck unloading the dog from the back of the cafeteria food, and 3 colleagues who were smoking Virginia Slims cigarettes and drinking coffee in International teachers lounge. Dr. Jing asked the women a series of carefully researched questions concerning the allegations against the president. Of the surveyed women:

89% believe Clinton is guilty of sexual misconduct, but if he promises to never play the saxophone again, they will forgive him. 53% found Bill Clinton sexually appealing in a "used car salesman sort of way." 71% think that the only woman in Washington, Clinton is not sleeping with her ​​husband's. and 99% said that if Bill Clinton had a sexual relationship with a woman other than his wife and asked her to lie to cover his behind, his behavior is not surprising because it is ... typically male. Damn.

As a man who had painted themselves into corners more than Wile E. Coyote, here's my advice for Bill Clinton: Ending the last episode of Seinfeld with a live, televised news conference, then step up to the microphone and say: "OK , America, you got me I have to admit that I had sexual relations with Gennifer Flowers and Monica Lewinsky and I asked them both to lie about it and I tried to have sex with Paula Jones, but her nose kept getting the way in. .. ! So now you know the truth, America, I say to you, "So what?"Do you want to blame me digress Well, before you do, let me say just two words: "Al Gore ."

"Mr. President! Mr. President! Sam Donaldson, ABC News !"

"Keep the water itself. I did not answer all the questions tonight. I'm already late for a quarter of a beer and wings night on the nose and after that I was made ​​an honorary member of the Kennedy family. So, good night, everyone, and God bless America ."

Perhaps the Secretary of Defense William Cohen put it best when he told Larry King. "I would say that (Clinton) is one of the smartest people I ever met His understanding of complex situations is incredible. He stays on top everything. I like hands-on president ."

Do not we all, Mr. Cohen. Do not we all.